Facebook Friends (and Enemies)

I find that Facebook brings connectedness into my life, some of it amusing, some of it banal, and some of it even painful. People I’ve known recently use it to send endless quizzes to me—“What Color Crayon Are You”? “What Nationality Are You”? etc. However, people from my past have popped up—even some from Denison Junior High; others from Winter Haven High School or Stetson University.

First of all, there haven’t been THAT many….a fact which forces me to examine what I’ve always known is true, but hate to admit. In the past, I didn’t trust people that much….so I often know people only superficially, even if externally I sometimes seen sincere. I do have a few heartfelt friends, but they’re not the virtual kind. Then I’m surprised by the people who “befriend” me, but that I can’t remember. Now I wish I had kept those slightly moldy high school and college yearbooks. It’s hard to keep up virtual conversations with people I hardly recall—or can’t remember at all. This memory loss is mostly reflective of my attempts to survive high school and college emotionally intact, despite a chaotic family situation.

But what’s most haunting about Facebook for me is the “what if” factor. I finished at the top of my class—studying was an escape from reality. And while I enjoy what I do, I don’t cure cancer—I never wrote the great American novel. By avoiding high school reunions, my classmates didn’t have to see that I achieved only modest accomplishments. But Facebook nakedly exposes me in just a few descriptive phrases. I find this most unsettling, perhaps because I’m also at middle age—that time when one looks back on what s/he didn’t do….and looks ahead to see if s/he can muster the energy or the courage to leave some kind of a lasting mark on the world.

Perhaps what’s especially painful about Facebook is how far from “normal”my life has been in many ways. Growing up with two mentally unstable parents meant that junior and senior high were mostly years of survival. Yes, I joined a couple of clubs and certainly did well academically (studying was my escape from a lot of pain), but I forged few close friendships. College was also harrowing at times—trying to overcome years of toxic family relationships, plus cope with the suicide of a college roommate.

While I married, we never had children. In fact, I’ve never even changed a diaper. (My sister has never married). So I look at the Facebook postings and read about people who take for granted that everyone gets their kids ready for school, takes them to the pool in the summer time, etc. And there are the people who mention visiting their parents and other family members and apparently having a wonderful time. About 15 years ago, my mother loaded all of the gifts we’d ever given her, plus our baby photos, school awards, etc., and left them with my uncle, requesting that we only send her a Christmas card. She doesn’t speak to her other family members, either. In fact, my mother’s side of the family split over an inheritance, so we’ve never had a family reunion with this side of the family. I’m beginning to doubt we’ll ever have a family reunion on the other side of the family, either, and it shrinks year by year from the inevitable march of old age.

I suppose Facebook is appropriately named. It has made me face the past while I’m entering the middle years, even though most of the postings involve the present. I can only hope that as I face the future, I’ll accept my less than “normal” life with better equanimity or at least indifference.